Maybe…Maybe Not

I can make a mountain out of a molehill when it comes to responsibility.   It’s my job to take care of everything for everyone within my sphere, whether it’s needed or not.  It comes from a place of love.  And perfectionism.  And control.

 

With this sort of attitude, it shouldn’t surprise you that I can squeeze the joy out of my favorite things until they are only a smudged line on my “to-do” list. I can turn a pleasure into a dreaded obligation in the time it takes for a single thought to change from “This is fun,” to “I’d better…”

 

I travel to leave myself behind, and then I bring myself with me.  I set up expectations of myself no matter where I am because I’m convinced that if I did anything once and enjoyed it, I should do it again.  What I loved once, I should love in every situation.

 

Not!

 

Take blogging for example.

 

I love my blogs.  I love to write.  I love to express my deepest thoughts. I would have thought that even if I were writing into a silent world, I would keep clicking away on the keyboard.

 

I came on my retreat thinking…hooray…time to write.  Time to read all my favorite bloggers.

 

Wrong!

 

My Internet connection is really LOUSY.  Posting is frustrating.  Commenting is often impossible.  And I have learned to hate WordPress.  I know.  I feel guilty, but it’s the   most difficult site of all to load.

 

And I’ve pretty much lost my interest in trying to upload a photo.  For those of you who follow my travel blog, you know that even those posts are few and far between.  By the time I get around to writing, find enough bars to post, etc.; I’ve lost interest in sharing my adventures.

 

So here’s the deal.

 

I forgive myself for loving to blog at home and not loving to blog here.  I’ve already spent half of my month trying to do and be what I am there.  It’s not working here.

 

Enough.  The mountain is a molehill once again.  It is official; I’ll post when I want to, when I can, and when those two miracles happen to align.

 

xxoo

 

Comments

  1. I am very much like you in care giving but I have a tendency to make molehills out of mountains, much to the dismay of the care receivers who think that I do not appreciate their problems enough!

    About blogging, as I keep saying, don’t sweat the small stuff. You blog when you can. Your readers will be around.

    • Talk to me...I'm your Mother says:

      Thanks, Ramana. And as luck would have it, the internet is working tonight. Of course, it’s in the middle of the night and I can’t stop because it’s so much fun.

  2. I loved this! I have also recently come to the grudging realisation that I will not continue to enjoy writing a blog if I make myself post when I don’t really want to because somehow that dreaded word ‘ought’ has sneaked into my head. Hope you are having a wonderful time!

    • Talk to me...I'm your Mother says:

      Yes, Rising, it’s so easy to crush joy in the things we love. That’s one thing I love about your writing…your constant realignment toward your own North Star.

  3. It’s good to know when to let go of the expectations you set for yourself. Just be there – where you are – and enjoy! It’ll all be waiting for you when you get back!

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