Living in Neutral

How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.”  Annie Dillard

I’m in a place to question myself.  Part of it can be laid to jet lag but a good part is due to life lag.  My life customarily lags behind my ideas and ideals.  In fact, I’m a great idea person.  Just ask me and I’ll come up with wonderful concepts, plans and outlines.  It’s the execution that is problematic.

After which of my days do I say, “Now, that’s the way I wanted to live my life!”?

Yesterday was better than some.  I wrote, I visited with family and friends.  My husband and walked to dinner together and had a nice talk.  I even made a small contact that may lead me closer to living my mission.

And then there’s today.  Let’s not discuss how I feel about all of the cleaning, cooking, washing, weeding, sorting, etc.  Let’s talk about the time I spend in neutral.

Sometimes it’s just a zone-out.  I don’t know where I am but I’m not here.   What did I do all morning?  How did it get to be noon?

Sometimes it’s distraction.  It’s sudoku, Sunset Magazine, Food and Wine recipes or 1930’s romance novels: all going nowhere.

Sometimes it is inability to function due to overwhelm.  My list is long, my time is short, and my body and mind refuse to go to the starting block.  My chest feels the adrenalin rush of dread moving to panic but my arms and legs can’t get the cue: MOVE!

There’s another type of distraction.  “Oh, I’d better run to the store and get coffee.  I’ll finish painting later.”  Never mind that it is too late to drink coffee, I still have half a bag of beans, and the grocery list is on the table with nothing vital written on it.

What is it that I really want to do with my life?  I know my purpose so how do I live to my purpose? How can I know the difference between realistic and idealistic?  If I really want to do it, why don’t I do it?

These are questions, not answers.


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