View from the Other Side

I’m an okay person.  After all, I put myself out there most of the time.  I can’t always say I do my best, but I’m not a  slacker. And I am truly tenacious and inventive about ways to connect with people.  I like to think of myself as “out there”.

So I am a bit surprised.   I didn’t think this would be me.  I didn’t dream that I could get so wrapped up in myself.

My worldview has narrowed to a knee, a wrist, a cough and a low-grade temp.  My crutches are my friends.  My body is my enemy.  The body war is my life and everything and everyone else is periphery.

Many of the battles are raged in the night.  Which is worse, having to pee or having to walk.  Should I turn the light on and read?  Will that make me forget the pain of my knee? Will a bath relax my mind?  Will I be able to get out of the tub? Is 3:30 a.m. too early to get up?  Is it worth going down the stairs?

The amazing thing is not that this is happening…it is that I thought I was above it all.  I thought I was too healthy.  If I were ever to get anything, I was sure there would be a quick and simple cure.  After all, am I not HEALTHY?

I have been lost in the land of self-absorption.  And I finally get it: it’s a natural state when pain and discomfort are a part of life. It takes a superhuman and loving person to give to others when suffering, and I’m pretty human.  I’m not different.  I’m not above it all.  And it’s all about me, me, ME!

Fine and dandy.  I’m not blaming myself.  I’m better now, and I am changing my attitudes.   I’ve lost my judgment about my sister’s inability to deal with her children when she was in pain.  I am giving my husband latitude in his inability to cope with relationships on his bad days.  I am thinking lovingly about my father’s intense need to have who and what he wanted near him in his last days.

I hear my Mother’s words echoing, “With all thy getting get understanding.”*  I think I just got me some.


*Proverbs 4: 7  Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.

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