Onward! (kind of)

I was talking with an old schoolmate who I hadn’t seen for years.  I asked her what she loves about her herself and her life.  It’s a way to get to know someone fairly quickly.

But conversation often goes the other way, doesn’t it?  What we wish we could do better.  How we would like to be.  What we would like to accomplish, etc.  I spend more time thinking about who and what I want to be than contemplating the blessing of who I am, what I have, and what I have to show for myself.

I’m not consciously hard on myself in transition.  I just expect something from myself that I no longer have to give.  I’ve changed.  I’m not who I was and it no longer works to do what I did.  I spin my wheels waiting for the old me to perform a role that is as foreign to me as if I had never played it.

And so how do I see my new self?   I don’t normally assess activities on an enjoyment scale.  (Hmmm…. this is fun, fulfilling, and feels like me.  My feet aren’t dragging and I’m not stopping to eat on the way to it.”)  I more quickly and easily judge myself on my productivity.  Or on whether I’ve done what I should.

I’m just saying that sometimes it takes effort to discover a new path.  I much prefer to be pushed by the tide of life in the new direction; the old “no decision is a decision of sorts” method that has worked so well for me.  I like to change gears and go over the next rise without thinking about it.  Then I needn’t worry about whether I’m following the map.

This time I’ve headed out without a plan in mind.  I’ve always had a ton of aspirations for the rest of my life, but now that I’ve come up with this block of psychic time that was unscheduled and unexpected, I’m in a holding pattern.    When I’m REALLY faced with a choice, it’s different than working toward a vision of the future.

Well, there’s always something to fill the physical time.  And so I’m feeling my way along and noting the things that I love about my life.  And I’m keeping track of what I love about myself.  Maybe I’ll to get to know me better, too.

xxoo

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