And then there was me…

Am I not the pious one?  When I read my last blog I realize once again how easy it is to acknowledge the problems of others.  My fingers speed over the keyboard expressing my unease with alcohol as used by others.  I’m a master of how it should be for all of those “drinkers” out there.

AS IF…I don’t have a visceral reaction to and recognition of the self-hatred of waking to flashbacks of unconscionable behavior.

AS IF…I don’t recognize the times when I have had loose lips.  Not in the sense of uncontrollable facial muscles (which I have been known to experience), but the kind that sink ships and submerge friendships in the sea of apologies.

AS IF…I haven’t put my relationship in peril by lowering my inhibitions in the wrong places at the wrong times.

AS IF…I haven’t been in such a drunken rage that I have jumped out the car and walked home.

AS IF…I never got behind the wheel of a car feeling a bit tipsy.

AS IF…I don’t feel a little bit desperate at the thought of NEVER having another drink.

I understand why AA discusses one drink at a time and one day at a time…at least it’s a thinkable concept.

I remember my low point on alcohol: I went to a champagne fundraiser for my kids private school; drank too much, said “fuck” in the wrong company, and woke up the next morning certain I had a brain tumor but uncertain whether to call the doctor or go straight to my attorney to file for divorce since I was still upset that my husband had tried to corral me.

Oh yeah!  I’m proud of my behavior.  NOT!

But it tempered me. It made me cautious.  It made me careful. And I don’t like to be drunk.

Than doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes have one more drink when I know I’ve had enough.  Actually, the fact that I’ve already had too much allows me to rationalize having more.

It doesn’t mean I handle alcohol perfectly every time.  It means I should examine my own behavior and my relationship to alcohol.

And that’s what I’m doing.


One comment

  1. life lessons cannot be handed down to the next generation sadly; I do not recall what transpired the time I was inebriated the most; after that, I made certain I never got that way again, by using moderation.


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