Working My Way Through

It’s easy for me to delude myself.  After all, I don’t know what I don’t know.  And I don’t recognize my behavior when it is so common to me that it strikes no strident note.

Most of my less-than-admirable behaviors just work themselves through my hours and days without my notice.  They form themselves into the structure of my being like a skeleton that holds me together.  And, of course, giving up on any one of those lifetime patterns is like breaking a bone.  It causes fear, pain and a loud, crackling sound of a change that immediately wants to reset itself back into the structure that is familiar, no matter how dysfunctional.

And I do function in my own way.  Well, I have my nonfunctional days.  Those are the days that my chest is filled with anxiety and my mind races on its gerbil wheel without pause for refreshment.  On those days, even meditation is difficult.  The work that it takes to calm myself may be too much for me.  I may resort to the mind-numbing of jigsaw puzzles or electronic solitaire.

But I’m peeking out at the truth now and then.

I’m examining a long and loving relationships…not necessarily to end them…but to really look at them honestly and to be honest within them.  I’ve known what to do for a long time. Yet I’m still grappling with the fear of breaking the structure that keeps me in one piece.

Will I survive?  Will I thrive?  Or will I look back with regret that I have amended or discarded what was my life for so long?

I’m too dramatic.  Baby steps are all I need right now.

The Student

Published at My Life Class on 12/6/2011 (Modified)