Maybe…Maybe Not

I can make a mountain out of a molehill when it comes to responsibility.   It’s my job to take care of everything for everyone within my sphere, whether it’s needed or not.  It comes from a place of love.  And perfectionism.  And control.

 

With this sort of attitude, it shouldn’t surprise you that I can squeeze the joy out of my favorite things until they are only a smudged line on my “to-do” list. I can turn a pleasure into a dreaded obligation in the time it takes for a single thought to change from “This is fun,” to “I’d better…”

 

I travel to leave myself behind, and then I bring myself with me.  I set up expectations of myself no matter where I am because I’m convinced that if I did anything once and enjoyed it, I should do it again.  What I loved once, I should love in every situation.

 

Not!

 

Take blogging for example.

 

I love my blogs.  I love to write.  I love to express my deepest thoughts. I would have thought that even if I were writing into a silent world, I would keep clicking away on the keyboard.

 

I came on my retreat thinking…hooray…time to write.  Time to read all my favorite bloggers.

 

Wrong!

 

My Internet connection is really LOUSY.  Posting is frustrating.  Commenting is often impossible.  And I have learned to hate WordPress.  I know.  I feel guilty, but it’s the   most difficult site of all to load.

 

And I’ve pretty much lost my interest in trying to upload a photo.  For those of you who follow my travel blog, you know that even those posts are few and far between.  By the time I get around to writing, find enough bars to post, etc.; I’ve lost interest in sharing my adventures.

 

So here’s the deal.

 

I forgive myself for loving to blog at home and not loving to blog here.  I’ve already spent half of my month trying to do and be what I am there.  It’s not working here.

 

Enough.  The mountain is a molehill once again.  It is official; I’ll post when I want to, when I can, and when those two miracles happen to align.

 

xxoo

 

Comments

  1. I am very much like you in care giving but I have a tendency to make molehills out of mountains, much to the dismay of the care receivers who think that I do not appreciate their problems enough!

    About blogging, as I keep saying, don’t sweat the small stuff. You blog when you can. Your readers will be around.

    Like

    • Talk to me...I'm your Mother says:

      Thanks, Ramana. And as luck would have it, the internet is working tonight. Of course, it’s in the middle of the night and I can’t stop because it’s so much fun.

      Like

  2. I loved this! I have also recently come to the grudging realisation that I will not continue to enjoy writing a blog if I make myself post when I don’t really want to because somehow that dreaded word ‘ought’ has sneaked into my head. Hope you are having a wonderful time!

    Like

    • Talk to me...I'm your Mother says:

      Yes, Rising, it’s so easy to crush joy in the things we love. That’s one thing I love about your writing…your constant realignment toward your own North Star.

      Like

  3. It’s good to know when to let go of the expectations you set for yourself. Just be there – where you are – and enjoy! It’ll all be waiting for you when you get back!

    Like

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