Desperately Seeking Approval

I am astounded.  My self-discovery is taking me on voyages into the uncharted waters of my life.

I have read Deepak Chopra for years.  He constantly asks me to strive for self-referral. Oprah’s lesson is the False Power of Ego. And Eckhart Tolle would also have much to say about ego: the need for the control, the need for approval, and the need to judge.  (Some of that for another day.)

What do I have to say to myself? “How did it take you so long to figure this one out?”

When I have been forced to evaluate the difference in who I want to be and how I want to live in juxtaposition to how I have been living my life, it requires a hard look at why.

I have tried to blame it on everyone and everything.  The truth is simply that I am constantly on the lookout for what others are thinking and feeling.  If there are various groups and I can’t please everyone, I suppose I please the group most like my own tribe.  After all, that’s where I have lived all these years.

When I write “pleaser”, another mini-shock ripples through my psyche.  In all my years of calling myself a pleaser, I have never looked at it from the viewpoint of seeking approval.  Rather, I have felt that pleasing was some sort of subjugation of my own needs in order to serve those of others.  I may not have thought it was a good thing…but I didn’t get that it would never work.

Then, after all of that pleasing,  I have vainly been trying to figure out how to “take care of myself”.

What a tedious waste of time!

I know that it’s all interrelated and  I am gobsmacked by how the fact that I have hit on something big in my life is resonating intensely.

I have foundered on the shore of approval.

The Student

Originally posted  at My Life Class, January 31, 2012

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