Analysis Paralysis

I strive to be alone much of the time.  Being alone is so easy.  Being alone is not so easy.

It’s according to the day.  And it depends on my own judgment.

There are days when I soar.  I revel in freedom.  The sun shines.  I stride through the crisp air thinking meditative or creative thoughts or any thoughts that sparkle through my mind.  I am invigorated with the prospects of life and every moment of it.

On these days I smile as I throw the clothes in the dryer.  I snap the sheets and survey my smooth bed with joy and contentment.  I read and my imagination runs with the story.  I write wonderful words of wisdom that will soothe the ills of the world.

And on good days my home is filled with pungent smells that swirl around me in anticipation as I slice and dice and stir up wonderful meals.  Even a fruit smoothie takes on the color and flavor of adventure.

And then there are days when I should seek company yet I can’t go out the door.  My sluggish mind urges me to take the first step that will raise my spirits and work toward anything that feels like accomplishment.  My straggling garden beckons me through the window, begging for attention that will bless it in the spring.

But how can I move?

My yoga mat lays ready on the floor.   But first, I must watch that recording of Oprah so that I can delete it and make room for some other wonderful, spiritual, uplifting program.  Or maybe an old recording of “The Chew”?

And I can’t leave my computer?  I am constantly checking for some sort of contact: a “Like” on my last post, a continuation of the conversation with my blogger friend in Germany, a Facebook post that will lift me up.

I keep my phone close.  I want to have a text from my grandson.  He’s been out of touch for too long.  And my ITouch is alight, waiting for the next move from my sister in our battle to “Hang” one another.

What is the decisive factor in this battle?  Is it the sunshine?  Is it some hidden thought that has corrupted my spirit, which cannot release me until it is identified and cast aside? Is it whether I feel my solitude is voluntary or whether it seems enforced my some sinister power?

I don’t know.  I only know that I love being alone…most days.

Xxoo

This post was created for http://visionandverb.com and was originally posted on that site on February 21, 2012.

Comments

  1. I have a need to be alone . If I don’t get this alone time I’ll be grumpy and nasty 😉

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  2. Sigh…some days are just like that. Sunshine helps. Failing that, a good story to escape into. Tomorrow is another day. 🙂

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  3. I’m *exactly* like that! Most days, I love my solitude, but on some days, I long for contact and still feel stuck. I usually call my mom then. When I’m happy, she takes the phone. 😀 And I also love the internet for that reason, because I can use Facebook and blogging to catch up with others. But yeah, I also know what it feels like to wait for a response or a like.

    In case I’m your blogging friend in Germany, you can email or fb-post me anytime! I’ll answer whenever I’m awake! 😀 (And I’d actually love to have a little more contact with you. If it’s me you mean, otherwise I won’t bother you.)

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    • Talk to me...I'm your Mother says:

      Kath, I am having a WONDERFUL visit with my family. Good “interviews” on all fronts. I may become the family Oprah, who knows. And, yes, I was referring to you as my friend in Germany. I love our side conversations. Because I have such a large family I am not always available physically or emotionally, but always try to be open about what’s up with me at any given time.

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      • Oh, this makes me happy in every regard! 😀 You know, I’m easy with social contacts in the sense that I have no problem when a friend isn’t available because there are other things on the plan. Good friends won’t forget me and will be back sooner or later. 🙂

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  4. (Okay I just checked back to see if you had already answered, haha.)

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  5. Welcome to the club of the aging. This is the modern equivalent of the old tribal system of banishing the old and useless to the wilderness to fend for themselves and quietly pass away unseen, unheard and without giving conscience pangs to the younger and more valuable assets to the society. We learn to cope and the feelings that you so eloquently express are perfectly normal. I have a simple formula. I do what comes naturally and spontaneously at the moment. AND, I do not worry about whether what I do is right or wrong. There is no one around to pass judgment any way!

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    • Talk to me...I'm your Mother says:

      Ramana, at first I wondered if you are depressed. I don’t (quite) feel put out to pasture yet! Then, once more, I just admire you for your great sense of self.

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  6. I enjoy my solitude as well. In the winter, I usually only go out into the cold for work; otherwise, I stay inside. However, today I took a walk and got some fresh air. My husband is the same way, so we make space for one another, and when the grandchild comes I gladly give up my solitude.

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    • Talk to me...I'm your Mother says:

      We’re lucky to be married to people who like alone time, too. It makes the search for solitude so much easier.

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