Holding On

I’m not living in the present.  I’m not living in gratitude. I know, because  this morning I awoke with grief and anxiety.  Having categorized and cataloged everything in my life that might worry me or cause unrest, my thoughts continually returned to my sisters.  And I wonder at the fear that can contaminate the most […]

Absolution in Life and Death

By brother-in-law gave me a great gift by living long enough for me to redeem myself. Our relationship was always tainted by my judgment of how he lived his life.  Looking back, I can’t recall that he singled me out for judgment.  Because of the difference in our beliefs, I’m sure he was appalled at […]

Learning about death…

I wonder who comforted my older sister when her husband died. She popped into my mind as I stumbled into the car at 0 light hundred to go to my youngest sister whose husband died a few days ago. I’ve been through more death now.  I have a better idea of what to do.  And […]

On the Way to Being Myself

It’s comforting to know that I can do what I need to do when I need to do it.  I’m pleased that I can step up to the plate in the split second of necessity and perform with a modicum of grace. Especially when I have gone through a week of self-tortured internal brattiness.  Why, […]

Why am I so sad?

I am infinitely sad.  It is physical.  I hurt somewhere between my chest and my stomach where it is hollow. Silliness. My husband is only going home.  I’m staying here alone, but I’ve been here many times by myself and I enjoy it.  I know people, I know places, I have what I need. And […]

No one to ask…

My sister died a year ago today.  It’s strange that I can’t remember what I’m wearing unless I look down, but I vividly remember  getting the call that she was dying as I was driving across the flat Illinois landscape toward Chicago.  I remember sitting in the Chicago airport and talking to her,  even though […]

Fear and Decisions

I was reading When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron while waiting in the oncology office for my friend.  I was getting to the part about facing fear… Her illness isn’t about my fear.  And after the first shock when I learned of her breast cancer, my feelings about her illness are not wrapped up […]

Wanting and Time

When my friend’s husband died it touched on many areas of grief. I truly liked that man.  He was an integral part of our dinner group, and through his wife I knew him personally.  I knew that he was kind, considerate and caring.  He was a SMART reader.  He was a dedicated father and grandfather.   […]

Hooray for Christmas! Hooray for family! Hooray for memories!

Dear Family, Your Dad was concerned yesterday when he read my post.  “Why are you so sentimental?  Is there something I should know?” No, I don’t believe I have a fatal disease.  I don’t have a “knowing” of an impending disaster.  But it’s Christmas  and we’ve just had a milestone anniversary.  It is a time […]

DANCING!

What fun!  Last night we went to a concert on the beach.  There was room for dancing.  I love to dance, but it is wonderful to watch, too. I have never gotten the same thrill from a scheduled dance performance as I have from serendipitous sightings of joyous and passionate dancing. This music was a […]