“A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.” ― Melody Beattie
Distancing: The figurative sense of “aloofness”, the same as in stand-offish. Moving away from connection.
Did anyone say relationships are easy? I am working on my ratios, but by my calculations I may be 35% Codependent, 10% Distanced, and 55% Loving, supportive, healthily detached from outcome and behavior.
Yep! It’s a movable feast but it’s what can happen when I begin thinking that I know what’s best for those I love. In 2010 I made a list (or found a list) of actions of a caretaker rather than a caring person:
- (Think and feel responsible for other people – for other people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.)
- Try to help other people live their lives.
- Feel compelled – almost forced – to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.
- Anticipate other people’s needs.
- Do what other people are capable of doing for themselves.
- (Not know what I want and need or tell myself what I want and need is not important.)
- (Try to please others instead of myself.)
- Over-commit.
- Feel harried and pressured.
Have low self worth.- Come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families.
- (Feel different from the rest of the world.)9
Fear rejection.Take things personally.- Fear making mistakes.
- (Expect to do everything perfectly.)
Have a lot of “shoulds”.*
xxoo
*Strikeouts indicate I have made serious progress with those issues. ()Parentheses indicate not so serious progress. Bold type indicates “What the hell? Will I ever learn?
A Letter to my Children 