Maybe…Maybe Not

I can make a mountain out of a molehill when it comes to responsibility.   It’s my job to take care of everything for everyone within my sphere, whether it’s needed or not.  It comes from a place of love.  And perfectionism.  And control.

With this sort of attitude, it shouldn’t surprise you that I can squeeze the joy out of my favorite things until they are only a smudged line on my “to-do” list. I can turn a pleasure into a dreaded obligation in the time it takes for a single thought to change from “This is fun,” to “I’d better…”

I travel to leave myself behind, and then I bring myself with me.  I set up expectations of myself no matter where I am because I’m convinced that if I did anything once and enjoyed it, I should do it again.  What I loved once, I should love in every situation.

Not!

Take blogging for example.

I love my blogs.  I love to write.  I love to express my deepest thoughts. I would have thought that even if I were writing into a silent world, I would keep clicking away on the keyboard.

I came on my retreat thinking…hooray…time to write.  Time to read all my favorite bloggers.

Wrong!

My Internet connection is really LOUSY.  Posting is frustrating.  Commenting is often impossible.  And I have learned to hate WordPress.  I know.  I feel guilty, but it’s the   most difficult site of all to load.

And I’ve pretty much lost my interest in trying to upload a photo.  For those of you who follow my travel blog, you know that even those posts are few and far between.  By the time I get around to writing, find enough bars to post, etc.; I’ve lost interest in sharing my adventures.

So here’s the deal.

I forgive myself for loving to blog at home and not loving to blog here.  I’ve already spent half of my month trying to do and be what I am there.  It’s not working here.

Enough.  The mountain is a molehill once again.  It is official; I’ll post when I want to, when I can, and when those two miracles happen to align.

xxoo