There is no perfect parenting is there? Parents in each generation look at the mistakes of the last, correct what they perceive to be egregious, and continue on to make their own mistakes.
Today I am just thinking about perfection. Period.
I am hoping you know the difference between the perfection of who you are, born as a flawless soul and worthy within yourself of that description; and the futility of striving for perfection as a person in daily life. I couldn’t have taught you that by example or as a parent, because I still don’t fully comprehend my own worth.
Judging by current parenting standards and what I now understand, I would have been affirming you in your daily life and your spirit journey through it. Instead I fell into the trap of praising you for what you presented: your beauty, your intelligence, and your achievements. I didn’t understand the profound difference. I didn’t see that this might make you feel as if you needed to cling to these attributes in order to be loved.
Neither did I understand then that I could have let you flower and grow as a person without such concern over what you did. I could have taught you consequences without teaching you to reach for perfection. Perhaps I could even have taught you that perfection is an impossible goal and that seeking it corrodes us from the inside out.
It creates our shame. It teaches us to hide our vulnerability. It is a continual reminder that we are not enough.
Perhaps I could have helped you understand that I love you the way you are even as I recognize the imperfections that plague you along the way. I could have laughed at my own flaws and taught you joy and happiness. I could have led you toward self-acceptance rather than toward constant striving.
It’s hard to comprehend, isn’t it? Being a perfect soul and still realizing that we are far from perfect when held to a cultural standard, whether that culture is our family, our community or that great “they” out there? And that it is all okay? It is an enigma whose answers pop into view and disappear again.
I don’t have the answers. I’m only writing this to let you know that you are secure with me. You are safe in the arms of my love and acceptance. You needn’t do anything to earn your place. Your successes and your failures are all the same to me…a part of the pathway of life.
Today I’m thinking that seeking perfection is an imperfection in itself.
xxoo
A Letter to my Children 
Seeking perfection in imperfection is the ticket. Beautifully put. Here is something to mull over : http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/jul/30/being-good-mother
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Thanks. And again for the url. Loved that column.
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Very good post! My dad always put a lot of focus on performance and functioning properly and was overly critical with me (always putting his finger on the 5 % that didn’t meet his expectations). Today I still deal with my overachieving and perfectionist tendencies, which have impaired me a lot in my life so far and made me push too much and overstrain myself. It’s hard for me to just relax and feel good about it, because I always think I could do something more productive or do something for others instead.
Peter and I have spoken a lot lately about the mistakes our parents made. A lot of those are rooted in WW2 which left Peter’s parents and my grandparents traumatized, and this trauma has been passed on to the following generations and still does its unhappy work.
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Yes, it is hard as parents because we bring our own issues into it as well. If we haven’t solved our own problems, we will most likely visit them on our children. It would be interesting to know if your father is as hard on himself. I would assume that he is.
As for the trauma of outside events with such catastrophic events, they have a direct effect on the generations that follow: more closely on the families of victims, and still we can’t help as a people to be traumatized by what happens in war, terrorism, etc.
Blessings on us all. xxoo
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Yes, he is … However he’s become a lot softer during the recent years, and I see that he’s trying a lot although it’s hard for him.
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🙂
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