Warning: Sex Talk from Mom/Grammy (read at your own risk)

Okay.  I’m laughing because there is no other choice.  It took me all of 24 hours after I wrote my last blog to be so TYPICALLY older generation that I am psychically groaning with my stiff mental joints.

First, I mixed up “low down” and on the “down low”.  (Well, maybe I get some points for knowing what the “down low” is…but anyone who watches Oprah knows that one.)

Worse was my stinking sense of outdated humor.

We were watching basketball and discussing identical twins when my granddaughter said she had heard of a woman who had twins by different men.  Of course, the first words out of my mouth were, “I thought only dogs could do that”.  Totally inappropriate and not true, at best.  My daughter stepped in and gave an anatomical lesson on the path and pace of eggs in the female body.  “So if she had sex with one man, and then four days later…”  “She’s a ho,” I say.  My daughter doesn’t laugh, gives me the look I deserve, and says, “She’s sexually active.”

Did I show my age and ignorance, or what?

My smart mouth didn’t even reflect my somewhat more intelligent and thoughtful views on the subject of casual sex, undecided commitment, passionate love affairs, and/or whatever would be the story line of different sexual partners in four days.  It was the most facetious of the throwaway lines that I hate so much and use too often. The older I get, the less reactionary I am, but I left that out of the conversation.

Attitudes regarding casual sex have obviously changed. They must do in the bombardment of sexual innuendo, blatant sexuality, and lack of accompanying caring relationships in our news, our entertainment and our lives.  All of this doesn’t greatly change my hopes, dreams and fears for my grandchildren.

I want my grandsons to truly honor women even as they struggle through the tidal wave of testosterone that washes over them every few seconds.   And I hold out great hope for this.  They are starting well, and although thoughtful and sensitive men are not idealized in television, movies  and the news, our boys have good role models within our family.

I want my granddaughters to know the joy, not the regret of sex.   It is biologically (according to sex experts) harder for women to enjoy casual sex without the angst of wanting more from the relationship. But they are just as hungry for love and all of its fulfillment.  And I know how hard it is to like our own bodies at any age, let alone when baring them to be compared to the retouched and reworked bodies of the media.

There are many things that disturb me, too.

One of the trends most unnerving to me is oral sex as the current next step in heavy petting. Let’s just set aside STDs and the fact that they are virtually ignored in oral sex. (insert)   Fully as frightening is the culture of subjugation and one-way gratification. Maybe I have this wrong, but I think that somehow a blowjob has become to trade-off to keep a boy happy without giving up one’s virginity.  I guess after all these years a hard on at a certain age is still considered to be fatal if not tended carefully.

So now instead of worrying about kissing on the first date, will he want oral gratification the way home from the dance?  Let’s see, we’re too young for a car, so is it done behind the gym?  Or kneeling down behind the bleachers?  These aren’t great dilemmas for a 12-year-old.

Note: Let me preface this next concept by copping to the fact that if I had been asked to give this advice to my daughters when they were growing up, I would have run yelping like a dog hit by a car.

I like what  Dr. Laura Berman (sex therapist) proposes.  Teach our young girls how to reach an orgasm by their own hand so that they know what they need, how it feels, and what to expect from a loving and sharing partner.  That’s what I want for my granddaughters…high expectations for their own pleasure and for their relationships.

I want this for my grandsons, too, but their lessons will come in different ways.  I’ll make a guess that even the youngest of the boys already knows how to make himself happy in a dark room.

I don’t know how to teach our young people to value themselves and each other on the uneven playing field of sex.  But then, I have a minor role in this.  It’s in your hands, isn’t it?  You’ll be the one teaching your children about the joys and responsibilities of sharing their sexuality when the time comes.  You’ll know how to talk about informed, sober mutual consent.

In this case, I’m glad to be the “old” generation.  I’ll shorten my tongue, watch, listen and learn. Maybe I can change my image.


One comment

  1. Loved it. It addresses some of dilemma we all face when we try to stay current with our daughters social lives. We all have to deal with the issues or bury our heads. Wish other women would speak up instead of keeping feelings buried as we gain strength from each other.


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