Are you out there? Anybody? Anybody?

My mother. I wanted to show the picture of her at her desk, writing – but I can’t find it. Maybe I will…

“Find out who you are and do it on purpose.”
Dolly Parton

I am feeling an urgency. It’s not surprising since all the women in my family have been opinionated. As death seems more imminent I realize I may not have shared each and every opinion or insight on each and every subject that crosses my mind. That seems tragic.

I had one sister who clammed up at the end of her life but she was in such denial she would not allow any talk of death around her. She missed her chance for everyone to gather around and hear her words of wisdom. I was there. Her husband and children were in attendance. Even her niece was there. What a waste!

The trouble is that the older we get the less interesting we can seem to the younger generation (unless we are on our deathbed). And sometimes we may not remember the important things at the opportune moment.

And me – sometimes in my fear or puffed-up pride of place – I forget who I really am. And I truly don’t want to die under false pretenses. I am not just a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a sister, an aunt. I am not a pillar of society at all times. I’m not always law-abiding nor do I care to be. I was young once and have been dishonest, stupid, and may be immoral. I am horribly incompetent and at the same time I am and have been capable of great accomplishments. Even as an old woman I have hopes and dreams and loves and hates and desires and fears.

My urgency is to consistently be myself while there is still time. (That feels liberating just to say it.)

So I’m going to follow in my mother‘s footsteps. I’m writing everything down and living in my fantasy world where everyone cares. And that works for me. It’s not so important that anyone listen, it’s important for me to have my say. And since I have a blog I can’t be denied. It’s a win!

Get ready – it’s coming.



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